your story // Ingrid Kolaas

This is Ingrid.

She's a fighter, overcomer, beautiful, brave, funny, hopeless romantic & she's not letting her past define her or push her down. She's honest, loves to make fun (of people, heh), but are one of the most loving persons you can meet (3 hearts for you Ingrid). She's born on the west coast of Norway & have lived 15 wet summers(it rains a lot) on a beautiful & idyllic island.

How did you get where you are now?

Well, I don't know exactly why and how, but I do have some ideas. As a 14 year old girl I got really depressed. I barely went to school and I felt 100% worthless. There was nothing I could do to make me feel real happiness and I just wanted to give up. My depression started for real in October 2014 (I was 13 than). When November started my left arm was already covered in cuts from self harming. I was terrified of telling my parents so I didn't. Because of the fear for people to notice my cuts, I got anxiety too. It sadly didn't stop with the cutting. I felt so worthless that it gave me an eating disorder. In only 3 months, I went from 74-57 kg. I'm 172 cm tall so 57 kg is way too little. People around me said I was skinny, but when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a huge and fat monster. I did anything to feel a little happy, so 17th of May 2015 I started to use tobacco. It made me feel dizzy and it made me feel alive. I asked some guys to buy it for me and they did. I didn't tell anyone about this but my best friend. I knew I could tell her everything and she already knew about my cutting. After a while, my friend talked to my teacher and told her about my self harming. My teacher was nothing else than supportive about it all. She's probably the reason why I'm still alive. I knew I could always come to her if I needed someone and she was always there to help me out. I did go to a therapist for a year, but she only made it all worse. It felt that she was only there to make money and not to actually help. I told my mom so many times that I didn't wanted to see her anymore, but she didn't care. Now when I'm almost done recovering my mom has gotten to know other people who went to the same therapist. They felt the exact same thing as I did. I'm 15 years old now and I'm happier than ever. I still have bad days, but I have realized that I'm actually worth it. In my darkest days I even planed my death. I wanted to leave life, but now I see that it would be to early to leave. My life has changed a lot since that. Now I'm more confident and I have just choose to not care about what other people think. If they hate me, let them hate cause I have my friends who I know will never leave my side.

“People around me said I was skinny, but when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a huge and fat monster.”

What is your story with self-harming?

After my own battle with cutting, I would not recommend it at all. I can say that it did help making the mental pain go away for a few. The moment when the sharp object goes through your skin and you feel alive, is the best feeling ever. I still miss it a lot. But right after, you realize that the cut you just made, will leave a horrible scar that won't ever fade. You'll always have the mark there and that does break you down. Every time I see my own scars, I do feel like a loser. I lost the fight with the blade. It really does effect me every single day. I'm always scared to meet new people. I'm scared of what they will think of me and I'm scared they will ask about them. But every day I also remind myself that I'm over it and I actually won the fight. The fight between myself and my mind. I will always have a memory, but that doesn't mean I have to let it control me. If I could go back to the day I cut for the first time, I would've laid the blade down. After the first cut, the hell starts. It's the hardest fight you can get into. I promise you, it feels amazing in the moment, but after you will regret.

“I will always have a memory, but that doesn’t mean I have to let it control me. If I could go back to the day I cut for the first time, I would’ve laid the blade down.”

have you ever changed your mind about suicide attempts?

One day when I was really depressed all I wanted was to cut and end my life. I decided to commit suicide that day, so I went out on a walk to do it. I was then talking to my very best internet friend and told her goodbye. I turned off my phone and kept walking to the place I was going to die. I knew my friends and family would never see me again, but I didn't care. I had brought my razors with me so I could feel alive one last time. When I was out walking something came to me and said; "Ingrid, it's not your time yet. Walk home and I'll wait for you." I listened to the voice and walked home again. On my way home, cutting wasn't even on my mind. The urge had faded and I didn't felt the need to in two days. I texted my friend and said; someone came to me and said its not my time yet. She told me that she had been praying and this was Jesus who talked to me.

Wauw. I'm getting goosebumps. What a powerful testimony! Thanks for sharing. When and how did you realise that the cutting was a problem and something you wanted to stop?

I don't really know when and how. But I think I just realized that if I didn't took the step to not cut, I would stay in that place forever. I knew that some day I had to just stop. The next time I wanted to cut, I said to myself "not today". I used that method for a while, but one day I couldn't do it anymore, and I cut again. Everything just got worse that day and I couldn't control it. The next day, I woke up and said to myself "you're perfect, and you better stay clean one more day", so I did. Now I haven't been cutting in about two months I think and I don't have the urge to do it either. If you really want to stop, you just have to be strict to yourself. I know that's freaking hard, but I can tell out of my own experience that it really is worth the pain, waiting, work, fight and all your strength. If you just do your best, I know you can do it.

Wauw. I liked what you said to yourself: "You're perfect" Where did you get that from?

Whenever I talked to my teacher and friends about my self harming, they always told me that I was perfect. I didn't believed it, but for some reason I just started to tell myself that I was.

What happened after you started telling yourself that you were perfect?

Well, in the start I didn't even care about it. I felt I was lying to myself. With the time, I realized that my fresh cuts, had been to old scars and I felt better by myself. I still tell myself that I'm perfect. For me it did help when I did it over time. I don't feel perfect and I never had, but I know it in my heart, and that's what really matters.

Was there someone who inspired you to find hope and not give up?

Demi Lovato was a huge fan inspiration to me. Everything she's been through and she stands up and talk about it. It's amazing. Whenever I felt bad I listened to her music and I felt she was there with me. Other people must be my very best friend. She has been through depression and anxiety and she helped me a lot. Some night I woke up in the middle of the night and texted her, and she texted me back. She will always be my sister and I know she always have my back.

Beautiful. What would you say to others who still struggle with cutting and other self-harming things?

I would say; stay strong and have faith. It may be hard now, but together we'll get through it

what is the most important advise you can give someone who don't know how to act around someone who's going through this?

The most important thing has to be to; just be there for them. Let them know that you really care for them and just don't leave them. If you leave, they will find it hard to trust others and they will get worse. Instead of saying; stop harming yourself, say; its okay, together we will get through this. So just let them know that you're there for them.

What helped you to get through all of this?

In those 15 years I have lived, I have been through a lot. Bullying, eating disorders, self harm, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, losing friends, using tobacco and been very suicidal. This has been though, but I'm still alive and I'm stronger. I don't really know what have helped me the most, but a lot people has been supporting me and everyone has accepted me for who I am. My friends has had my back and so has my teacher.

How do you look at the future now?

Now I look brighter at my future than ever. I'm still having pretty bad days, where I just want to give up, but they come rarer and rarer so I'm positive for the future. I still have some years with pretty hard working but I'm ready for the challenge.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years even?

In 10 years I see myself as a psychologist. My dream job is to work with teenagers who are struggling with the same as I have. Nobody deserve to go through such a hell in their live and I want to be someone's hope for their lives.

I've known Ingrid for a good 3 years as I'm typing this. And as I told her; even though you have hope and faith in a situation or a person, you never really know what it's gonna look like before you're there. Three years ago I never thought for sure that I was gonna interview her, on my blog, about the struggles she's been through, how she faced her fears and how she now can turn her mess into a message and help others. Sometimes word are not enough of God's great miracles, but I know one thing I want to say: